Practice the Art of Listening
In today’s scattered and distracted society, the art of listening is steadily declining. Everything from your phone to your job competes for your attention. You’re busy and tired. I get it, and I’m right there with you. But listening is crucial for strengthening your relationships, especially our marriages.
Listening isn’t just about being attentive to what other people are saying. It’s estimated that only 7% of communication involves actual words. Truly listening also involves looking for facial cues and body language and focusing on how the words are said.
Decoding nonverbal communication requires focus and attention. And all of these factors combined can make tuning into what your partner is trying to communicate to you feel incredibly difficult.
I am in this predicament often. I know I should be listening to what my husband is saying as he’s sharing the stresses of his day. But instead of listening and tuning in, I’m tuned out, often distracted by my internal to-do list or fatigue.
Can you relate?
Listening is a powerful way to foster an intimate connection with the important people in your life. It’s free. There’s no technology required. And if you’re like me and need more practice, be comforted by the fact that you are offered many opportunities throughout the day to practice the art of active listening. Here are some strategies to help you strengthen the relationships in your life by practicing intentional, engaged listening:
Practicing the art of listening:
Put away your phones and turn off technology. Think about the misunderstandings and hurt feelings that result when you or your loved one is distracted by our phones.
Face each other and give loving eye contact. When you give eye contact, you are communicating that you see the other person and that you value them. Eye contact is a great way to start hard conversations. There is power in your presence. Most people want to feel heard and safe; positive eye contact fosters this type of environment.
Be open-minded. We often find ourselves assuming what the other person is going to say and becoming distracted by what we are going to say next. When we do this, we totally miss the point of truly listening. Instead of formulating your rebuttal, relax and take in what your partner is saying.
Don’t interrupt or impose your “solutions.” This part is hard for the fixers and doers. Take the time to validate and hear the other person. Then ask if they would like to hear your suggestions.
Ask clarifying questions. Take a moment to make sure you are understanding each other. A helpful clarifying question is: “I want to make sure that I am hearing you correctly. Is ______ what you are saying?” Or “Please tell me more, I’m here to listen.”
Reflect back what you are hearing and check in to make sure you heard your partner correctly. This greatly reduces misunderstandings and conflict when both parties accurately hear each other. For example, “I am hearing you say____. Is this correct?”
Practicing these suggestions will strengthen your listening skills. As you do, notice if you feel more connected to your spouse, family members, and friends. You can even practice this with yourself! Being a friend to yourself is a foundational way to build strong connections with others.
Blessings to you,
Melissa
