Episode 7: Strengthen Your Relationship with Others by Strengthening Your Relationship with Yourself
Hi, I’m Melissa Clark. I’m a professional counselor in the Dallas area with a passion for helping you overcome challenges, process painful emotions, and understand your God-given identity.
I am so glad that you are here! This podcast is a series format. This means each month you will hear about different mental health topics. These are issues I’m thinking about, seeing in my office, or have personally experienced. Here are some examples: anxiety, negative thoughts, parenting a child with mental issues - and so much more. We will be looking at these topics from a Christian perspective.
Some weeks I will interview professional colleagues, some weeks I’ll be interviewing friends, and others will be me - sharing my story and perspective on these important topics. Be sure to tune into the final episode of each topic, I’ll give you an opportunity to put everything you’ve learned into practice.
Thank you so much for being here! I believe listening to this podcast will leave you feeling excited, educated, and empowered.
Last week, Amanda Davison, founder and president of A Wife Like Me discussed struggles she experienced in her marriage. Amanda shared how her faith and a willingness to think about love differently transformed her marriage. No longer frustration she began to have fun and experience joy with her husband. If you didn’t get a chance to listen to the episode, be sure to go back and listen after today’s episode.
Today, I will be concluding our series on relationships. This isn’t a marriage episode. This is a relationship episode. We are all in relationships. However, the fact is even though we are relational beings, we are incredibly lonely. Google the phrase loneliness epidemic and you’ll see what I mean.
As I’m working on this episode, the Coronavirus is filling the airways. However, the loneliness epidemic is far more dangerous and here’s why:
Loneliness, living alone and poor social connections are as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
Loneliness is worse for you than obesity. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
Lonely people are more likely to suffer from dementia, heart disease and depression. (Valtorta et al, 2016) (James et al, 2011) (Cacioppo et al, 2006)
Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 29% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015)
In our interconnected, web-based world, we often have the illusion of connection. You may have thousands of friends online. Followers and friends like, share, and comment on your post. But when you close the lid on your laptop or put your phone down, you are likely one of the Three-fourths of Americans who experience moderate to high levels of Previous studies found loneliness rates of 17 percent to 57 percent.
That is a drastic change. 75 % of individuals report moderate to high levels of loneliness compared to previous studies.
I want to share with you how to improve your relationships with others by improving your relationship you have with yourself.
Be sure to sign up for the show notes where you can download a handout helping you put every we’ve discussed into practice. This episode right here is one of the reasons I wanted to make a podcast. I know what it’s like to read an amazing book, hear an amazing sermon, but not have any action steps to implement. Feel free to share these with a friend.
Without further adieu let’s discuss ways to strengthen your relationships.
1. The relationship with yourself
You may think this is a strange place to start. After all, I was just talking about the loneliness epidemic. It may feel like building a stronger personal relationship would make you feel more lonely. After all, I'm directly going out and talking/building connections with others. Hang with me. Did you play Legos as a child or with children now as an adult? (Are you thinking about stepping on those oh-so-painful lego bricks...ouch!). You may be thinking about the insane prices of a lego set, building a tower, but you aren’t likely thinking of the Lego plate. This is the foundational piece for your building projects.
Your relationship with yourself is like that Lego plate,
it’s foundational for all your other relationships.
In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus says, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them" (The Message). Paul adds to this in Galatians 5:14, Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom.
In mathematical terms, "as" means "equal to." When Jesus says, "love others as well as you love yourself," he means we're supposed to love others equal to how much we love ourselves. But this begs the question: how well are you loving yourself? Furthermore, what does it even mean to love yourself?
You find freedom when you love others well and when you love yourself well.
The Bible defines love as being "patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).
This the biblical definition of love for others, but also for ourselves.
Most of us struggle with loving ourselves for two reasons:
It feels selfish. We often confuse self-love with self-seeking.
We know our flaws and, therefore, don't feel worthy of loving ourselves.
True self-love requires a right relationship with God. What many people don't realize is that when you don't accept God's love for you, taking care of the creation he made, you are unknowingly being self-seeking. When you're feeling low, what do you do? Most people become mired in thoughts centered around themselves. Thinking about how bad they are, how they didn't do the "right" thing, and what they could have done differently. These thoughts are centered around you. Such demeaning thoughts are self-focused thoughts and prevent you from loving yourself. When you demean or degrade yourself, you dishonor God. But when you love yourself because Christ first loved you, you give glory to God.
Are you critical to yourself? I’m so dumb, I’m such a ___, I’ll never get it right. I’m unworthy.
If you connect with any of those statements, you are critical and condemning yourself. Scripture tells us that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. If Christ doesn’t condemn ourselves, why do we?
Clients often tell me they rely on their inner critic as a way to monitor themselves. Reasoning that my inner critic will keep me from eating too many sweets or some other behavior they are wanting to be modified.
Relying on criticism to modify or change your behavior keeps you dependent on yourself. This life of relationship with God is all about our dependency on Christ alone.
Instead of relying on your inner critic, begin speaking words of kindness to yourself. Proverbs 18:21 tells us that our words have the power to bring life or death. The Message translation tells us our words have the power to be fruit or poison.
As you practice saying words of kindness to yourself, you will more naturally begin speaking words of kindness to others.
Our words are a reflection of our hearts.
If you are cruel and condemning to yourself, your relationships will suffer.
Think about it. How confident can you be if you just verbally abused yourself? Yeah, I said it abuse. Would you allow someone else to talk to you that way? Most likely not. What you believe about yourself is how you will begin seeing yourself.
Your first step is to begin speaking words of kindness to yourself. You may worry right about now that if you are kind to yourself, that you will begin being arrogant and prideful. Kindness is one of the fruits of the spirit.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness. God’s fruits are always good. Kindness should not be mistaken for flattery.
A kind statement is:
I am proud of myself for waking up this morning and going for a walk.
A flattery statement is:
I am the most amazing person on earth.
(see the difference).
Practice saying words of kindness. Words of love to yourself.
Then carry it over to your relationship with God. Praise God for who He is.
Offer words of kindness and encouragement to others.
My pastor often says you can’t give what you don’t have. If your inner dialogue is cruel and condemning, your relationships are going to suffer. You won’t have an inner confidence and likely will become dependent on others to affirm your self-esteem.
This leads me to the 2nd point.
2. Don’t depend on others to meet your needs for security and approval. Instead, begin believing truth about yourself.
I have lived much of my life in people-pleaser mode. My self-worth depended on how other’s saw me. If so-and-so was happy with me, I felt good about myself. If so-and-so was mad at me...forget about, I was in a shame-spiral.
I tied my worth to others. This kept in a performance-based mindset.
Here’s how Robert McGee put it in the book, Search for Significance: “Living according to the false belief, I must be approved by certain others to feel good about myself cause us to far rejection, conforming virtually all of our attitudes and actions to the expectations of others.”
I’m 40 years old. I’m sad to say, a lot of these 40 years have been frittered away worrying about what others think about me. I’ve sabotaged relationships because friends and loved ones couldn’t bear the weight of my dependency. I would become frustrated and resentful that they couldn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved.
I wanted to feel good about myself. Unknowingly, I put my worth in their hands. The problem was 1. They didn’t know that I had placed my worth in their hands 2. They couldn’t fill the proverbial hole in my heart.
Instead of depending on others for your self-worth, begin recognizes the amazing person that you are.
Ephesians 2:10 NLT tells us, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Unfortunately, your reality and experience may be the opposite of God’s truth. Maybe things have been done to you or you’ve done harmful things to yourself. Now you feel like a piece of garbage, trash, nothing. When left unchecked, these feelings start to become your reality. The lies feel like truth and the truth feels like a lie. What we believe about ourselves (i.e. our identity) goes on to produce thoughts, feelings, and actions.
When you believe lies about yourself, you begin to create a course for your life that will result in supporting the lie.
Your beliefs about yourself, others, and God (I am, they are, He is)
Produce thoughts like “I can’t… I’ll never… I should… I always…”
Create feelings
Results in behaviors
Belief (I am) _______________________________________________________
Thoughts __________________________________________________________
Feelings ___________________________________________________________
Actions ____________________________________________________________
“I am” statements have a great impact. Every time we speak those two little words, “I am”, we are inferring something about our identity. You are labeling yourself.
When we don't know who we are, we fall into the trap. This trap leads us to believe lies about our identity.
Are you speaking words of truth? Proverbs 23:7 states that words have the power to bring life or bring death. Did you know the words you speak and even the words you internally think have power?
What you believe about yourself alters the trajectory of your life.
Your belief opens a door to life or destruction. What you believe matters.
Go back to the what the what the Word says about you:
You are worthy. You’ve been well-made.
You are valuable. He delights in you.
You are a masterpiece. You’ve been made in God’s image.
3. Letting go of unrealistic, perfectionistic expectations of yourself and instead begin living from the identity God created for you.
The way you treat yourself will be how you treat others. Especially those closest to you.
If you are demanding and critical of yourself, you will be demanding of others.
Begin practicing being kind and self compassionate with yourself.
Imagine what your life would be like if you began to see yourself as worthy and valuable. As you believe you are a masterpiece that God is pleased with you all the time.
As you begin living from this type of place, you begin to not only experience greater love, peace, and joy - but also begin to experience that with others.
If you are wanting to improve your identity and relationship with yourself, check out the ebook I wrote called The Secret to Confidence.
Some other recommended reading is:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
The Search for Significance by Robert McGee
Wild and Free by Jess Connolley and Haley Morgan
I feel like we just tapped the surface on this important topic.
I believe that if you ...
1.begin speaking words of kindness to yourself.
2. Don’t depend on others to meet your needs for security and approval. Instead, begin believing truth about yourself.
3. Letting go of unrealistic, perfectionistic expectations of yourself and instead begin living from the identity God created for you.
You will improve your relationship with yourself. As you improve your own self talk you will begin treating others with greater compassion and joy. Begin watching your other relationships change.
I’ve created a download for you, this is available through the show notes. Make sure to visit my website where you can subscribe to the show to get the show notes.
Thank you for joining me this week on the Thrive: Mental Health and the Art of Living Free. on iTunes or Stitcher so you never miss a show. Hey, while you’re at it, help me out by adding some stars to the rating and tell a friend about the show.
Be sure to tune in next week, where we begin a new series on anxiety. It is so, so good! We are going to be talking about my story with anxiety, mom guilt, postpartum anxiety. I’ve got some great interviews lined up. I believe listening will leave you empowered, educated, and feeling a little more normal.
Have a great week!