Loving even when you don’t want to

I don’t know what your marriage is like. I don’t know the hurts and disappointments that you’ve faced. But I do know this— you have a choice in how you are going to respond to those challenges. Most of the couples  I work with in my counseling practice are wanting and needing the same thing as their spouse. Both feel the same way: disrespected, unloved, and ignored. The way each experiences these is usually different, but as I unpack the pain and hurt, I typically find that both partners are fundamentally wanting, needing, and hurting in almost the exact same way.

If your partner is hurting, angry, and disappointed just like you are, consider what would happen if you used this insight as a way to offer the very thing that you’ve been wanting. What would happen if you chose to respect your spouse even when you feel disrespected? How would your marriage change if you decided to serve your husband or wife even when you feel ignored? Choosing to give your spouse what you (and they)  need can have a profound impact on your marriage and yourself. 

Please remember that when you act in unloving, disrespectful ways, you’re not only hurting your partner, but you’re also hurting and disrespecting yourself.

Strengthening Exercise: Choose kindness, choose respect, choose the loving action even when— especially when— you are not receiving these in return. Don’t do this with strings attached or any expectations. These conditions will ultimately taint your efforts. Practice this for a week, prayerfully asking God to open the heart of your partner.

Scripture to consider: And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17 (NIV)

Prayer: God, you know the hurt and resentment in my heart. I ask for Your help in serving and loving my spouse even though it’s not what I want to do. I ask for your strength, grace, and love this week. Holy Spirit, embolden me to love even when my spouse doesn’t appear to be loveable. In your name, Amen. 

*This is intended for married couples in an emotionally, physically, and spiritually safe relationship. If you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

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